Mr. Fix It

It started with an itch.

A burning at the elbows and white patches on my knees. As a climber and cyclist, I accepted that all the fun came with the cost of weird skin breakouts.

But after six months, tensions were high and I needed to see a dermatologist. I walked in irritated. I left with three prescriptions for skin psoriasis (now covering 4% of my body) and a follow-up with a ruthless nutritionist in Encino.

Dr. Adoni has the Israeli “don’t waste my time ” personality I’m always drawn to.

Starts typing on laptop without looking at me.

Dr Adoni: “So nu, tell me what you eat in a day.”

Me: “Eggs, steak, some cucumbers. A few berries and bananas. Squashes, more berries, maybe some fish. Then more meat.”

Stops typing.

Dr. Adoni: “And who tells you to eat like this?”

Me: “I heard it on a podcast.”

Dr. Adoni: “You heard someone on a podcast tell you to eat all this meat? And then you did it?”

Me: “Well, yes. It was on Joe Rogan and it sounded convincing. I sort of stopped eating vegetables and leafy greens about 4 months ago.”

Dr. Adoni: “And the psoriasis. When it start to get really bad?”

Me: “About 4 months ago.”

Shakes her head in disbelief and starts whispering in Hebrew, which I understood as ‘I can’t believe these idiots.’ Closes laptop.

Dr. Adoni: Ok first, stop listening to this podcast person. They are stupid. Number two, you need to eat more food. And third, you need a big salad every day.”

Desperate for a fix, I followed her advice immediately and my skin went from burn victim to normal in about ten days. But this isn’t a food recipe post. This is about my addiction and curiosity to fix the tiny broken fragments inside me.

SELF-OPTIMIZATION

Self-optimization seems to be an unseen approach I take in life. I’m compulsively obsessed with the idea of making improvements. And I don’t take them step by step - I’m all in all at once.

I’m like an iPhone that’s constantly refreshing itself. And there are times when the system goes totally haywire. Especially at 11 p.m. at night. Here is how things SHOULD go at this hour, for someone who does not worry.

And here is my brain in all its 11 p.m. glory.

When a problem or discomfort surfaces, I get a visitor from a little friend we can call the Upgrade Owl. He flies into the room, ready to start solving problems. Note: I do not want this thing at my bedside.

10 minutes sounds like a fair deal with a fictional Owl, so we come to an agreement. Together we obsess and plan and ruminate. Then the owl spots something.

Anxiety Mice are these tiny, harmless tasks begging for my attention and running amok in my mind. The Owl loves these Mice. They are like little crack cupcakes left on the kitchen island - you cannot resist them.

If I don’t catch and stomp these Anxiety Mice, things can turn dire. I’ll rot into despair, we’ll grow hungry and poor, and I will feel unfulfilled and unhappy in my life.

I have many mice in my mind. Maybe you do too.

And my social profile knows this. I get bombarded with ads for hip flexibility, expensive mushroom coffee, better cookware, free gym membership offers, hair loss spray, and online therapy apps. Yo dawg, we heard you like upgrades so we’re giving you a hundred upgrades you won’t do, and will just stress out about this year.

I’m drawn to optimizing because there’s this unsettling feeling inside me, a sense that I’m somehow handicapped or more ill-equipped than others.

Do you know that Planet Earth clip when a group of baby birds attempts their first flight out of the nest? A few birds plop onto the ground. Other birds fly away like ace pilots. Me? I’d nervously check to see if my wings were oddly shaped or even there at all. I’m supposed to fly with these things? Convincing myself they’ll have to do, I leave the nest, bopping and fluttering from one branch to the next. That feels like my MO.

Maybe you felt that feeling more intensely as an angsty and pimple-faced teenager – me, I’m not sure that feeling completely ever went away.

So a solution started to develop: take on another project, fix whatever needs attention, and things would finally fall into place. Now, I’m not against learning or pursuing new passions – that’s not what this is. This is me feeling unhappy with certain situations (life, career, body, relationships, goals, fine climate change), examining them, and feeling this need to resolve each one. This would bring inner peace.

When I was turning 40, this feeling of otherness hit me hard. My energy plummeted to all-time low levels. My spirit for life caved too, like some demon was fiddling with the life knobs just to fuck with me. And I had no control over it. It was just happening.

So I tried everything.

Running. Hiking. Biking. Ashwagandha. Turmeric. Acupuncture. Going stone-cold Steve Austin Sober. I toggled between podcasts on vulnerability and science and longevity and carnivore diets.

A pseudo-doctor’s pitch was simple: spinach is poison, meat is magic, and liver is king. Steak seemed like the panacea to my problems. Hello rib-eye, later lettuce.

Then all the skin problems started. And my energy levels tanked even further than before.

I blame the Internet, but I also blame myself for getting caught up in another self-optimization scam. I knew the real solution was actually simpler, but I felt like I just had to do something. Doing something new meant progress was being made - who cares what that doing actually was?

The new motto

I’m trying to replace the approach of self-optimization with self-restraint. I’ve been working on seeing myself less broken, and more as an integrated whole system of many parts. Like my 2014 Honda Accord, some parts work better than others. But the car still works. It still drives, even with 118,000 miles on it.

Most of my issues don’t need to be addressed and fixed with another self-help book, smoothie, or TED talk. Though I deeply enjoy all those things, I’m trying to experience those as tiny interesting delights, like little sandwiches to eat and forget about. Not as a means to fix some buried and broken part of me that needs replacing.

What does work? Choosing less. Saying no. Practicing more self-discipline.

Less cake. Less productivity hacks. Turning off my phone. Pulling the cord on middle circle behavior. Less wasting time on bullshit which won’t have an effect. Less distractions. Less coffee so I can sleep like a normal human being at night.

If I’m effective here, and it’s a big IF…. I hope that self-restraint means more self-determination to pursue and achieve what I actually want out of life: more health, hiking, friends, family, joy, love, barbecues, vacations to Italy - all that life jazz.

And perhaps with even more time: self-acceptance. The realization that there’s nothing to repair. A firmer understanding that the wings I was born with are fine as-is. And instead of stressing about whether they actually work, I soar like a 40-something eagle with tight hips.

4 things right now

Read: Welcome to Hell World. I just found out about this. I love everything here.

Read: Snakedog Journal, a newsletter I really dig, on Ozempic and miracle cures for addiction.

Move: One thing I will not stop seeking out upgrades for is stretching. I’m on a lifelong quest to stay limber and eliminate lower back, leg, and neck pain. This stretch is the fastest hip opener I have found and helps me SLEEP. You will, as the PT says, be swimming in your hips. It’s weird and hard and worth a try, especially if you’re a chimp who sits a lot of the day. I made a whole playlist here.

Listen: This 3-part series from Unpacking Israeli History on the Yom Kippur War is both moving and fast. The host is a falafel fanboy who knows his stuff, zipping along key facts and moments.