The Achievement Trap

The Achievement Trap

One of my best friends manages software engineers, and over sushi was explaining the McLelland theory of needs years ago. He uses the model to understand what drives his team. He rattled them off on his finger: achievement, affiliation, and power.

I stopped listening after the first one.

Achievement: You’re motivated by getting things done, outperforming others, and getting validation and recognition for all your hard work.

When it comes to work, that’s at the top of my list. I’m not chasing power or titles, though I will accept them if they come my way. And I’m not driven by a sense of belonging to an organization. I’m not dying to join the interoffice fantasy football league. I don’t know how to play, and I could give a shit about pro sports. Whenever I do find myself in a group of men arguing about who’s pitching for the Dodgers this week, this is me:

But when there’s a project on my plate, I want to dive in. Obsess about it. Figure out the problem. Sweat the details. Go for a run when my brain feels broken and sweat some more. I like it.

And yet, this constant drive comes with a kicker. Striving itself develops into a forever quest to reach the peak of fulfillment. To actualize all my potential and leave nothing behind. And for the most part, I accept that idea. Life is a series of obstacles, one after the other. There is no finish line. So enjoy the ride.

But there’s something underneath the surface that I’ve been feeling for years, and haven’t had the right words to frame it. But this digitally focused self-promote-yourself-till-you-die world is chasing something else. A three-headed hydra of fame, achievement, and authentic discovery.

A need fueled by social media, extreme capitalism, and the impossible prize of complete self-actualization. Technology makes it seem like the perfect life is within everyone’s reach – and if you’re left behind, it’s your fault. I recall the bitcoin frenzy of 2019. It seemed like everyone was making millions, and if I didn’t get into crypto wallets today, I’d be a poor loser tomorrow. (Spoiler alert: I figured it out, and lost money anyway.)

I admit – pressure and ambition are critical to accomplishing my goals – without a deadline, it is but a dream – but during my off-hours, when I earned the right to relax and decompress, I get attacked by an inner critic. A voice in the rearview mirror, saying all sorts of inadequate shit to bring me down.

The Voices

You should make documentary movies. Your portfolio sucks. When are you going to learn woodworking? Did you call the contractor to remodel the kitchen? You haven’t meditated in two weeks - your mind is a circus. Pathetic. Are the kids in the right school district? Why aren’t they in gymnastics yet? When are you going to start a side hustle coffee business? Everyone else stands out. You’re way behind. Get your shit together. This version of you expired. Time for another software update.

I think this is the central anxiety that so many of us face today.

For me, it’s when I’m alone, at night, the kids are asleep, everything is right in the world, and then all of a sudden BAM BAM BAM my mind gets hit from all sides by mental pop-ups telling me it’s time to optimize.

In the past, I would run to numb myself somehow. But I’m learning to question what the hell is going on in my head and find out what’s happening. Usually, it’s either one of two things, with two choices to make.

1. Do something

• Is there something I’m truly avoiding right now? Am I delaying something that needs my attention? What if I take one step in that direction? How bad can it be? If I do one thing, that might stop the Anxiety Mice from running around and restore calm.

• This actually works. I think it’s a mixture of honesty and countering my usual tendencies of avoidance that give me a rush of dopamine again, which feels better than existential paranoia.

2. Do nothing

• Can I accept that I have a monkey mind, the monkey is loose, and it’s okay for me to put it back in its cage and just be present?

• Then I go on a bike ride, or a run, or meal prep, or arrange the house, or put away toys. Maybe I’m not making any massive gains in my career or life, but these simple and small acts are in fact valuable.

Framed like that, it’s simple: do the thing or don’t. But don’t obsess over it. Just go. Obsession is another form of self-torture. Practice some self-kindness and stop beating yourself up. Focus on what’s in front of you, instead of seeing a limitless ocean of possibilities.

Because in all honestly, I’m more of a mountain man. The deep sea can swallow ships whole.

4 things right now

Get: I picked up a booklet of these Roy Lichtenstein forever stamps. They look cool and maybe they’ll inspire me to write letters to friends in NYC or Portland. Right now, I’m using them to fight a traffic ticket.

Listen: Feel the Rush Tonight by Gunship.

Watch: Big Mouth Season 7 – so good.

Do: See your friends. Hit them up. Reach out when you’re on the road or taking a walk. Be the person in the relationship who makes the call. That’s me in 90% of my friendships, and I’m okay with it.